now i realise that’s a hell of a title, but to be fair seeing a pair of balls that aren’t attached to your own body can be a little bit disturbing, don’t get me wrong I’ve seen any number of “art films”, so i’m aware that pretty much all men have em. its just that when they come out of the blue at you it can be a bit of a shock, but still - i know something that’s far worse.

Our story starts last night, I was just getting down to some work for the evening, when i got a call from the mother in law, the wifes younger brother had been in a car crash and the police needed some one to go to the hospital straight away… could i pick them up and take them? (oh and could i let the wife know what was happening - nice conversation that was… “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW BAD IT IS?”) Any way 47 seconds later we’re pulling into the car park at Weston A&E, a quick jog down some corridors and we found the bro in law firmly strapped to a board, waiting to get xrayed.

For two hours I stood by his bed, they came and took him away and xrayed him, and an hour later we were still waiting for the results. In all that time he didn’t move his feet once, now obviously you cant draw attention to the fact that some one with suspected spinal injuries isn’t moving there feet - i mean who am I to voice an opinion - about the only medical training i have is a bit of gynaecology from the previously mention art films - however you also cant stop your self looking, and as you’ll realise, in 3 hours of standing around some one is likely to spot you paying an above average amount of attention to your brother in laws naked feet - that’s not the kind of rumour you want to get started.

So I went for a walk, with hind site, i should have stayed where i was, (the following events have been slowed down (a bit like bullet time in the matrix) so that you can share the full horror.

As i was walk out to wards the front doors a random nurse/porter type person comes out of a room to my left.

The bed they’re pushing catches the door and makes a loud clang.

I hear the noise and instinctively turn my head to look (IT’S INSTINCT GOD DAMN IT)

I see a nurse, and to her left in the room behind her is a reclined man who’s just has his trousers removed lying legs spread.

I SEE HIS GOD DAMN BALLS.

the nurse sees me looking at his balls.

I hurriedly try to divert my gaze.

I make eye contact with the man who’s balls I’ve been looking at.

He’ knows i’ve seen his balls.

I know he knows i’ve seen his balls.

The nurse knows it, and now she sees what seems like an hour’s worth of eye contact between us.

I splutter something (possibly i wave slightly - my brain shuts down at this point) and leg it towards the front doors.

After a reasonable amount of time, how long can you leave a door open, i have to walk back down to the ward, it’s almost midnight so there is no way i can wear sunglasses. but i think i do a reasonable job of acting notchalant as i casually make sure the door is in fact closed as i near it, thank fully it is, and i make it back to the brother in laws bedside where his folks are still waiting for xray results.

Can you guess who’s in the bed opposite him?

For the next hour i kept my back firmly towards balls out man - even to the point of walking backwards when asked to pass things the the mother in law. I’d like to think he understood… we all know the only thing worse than seeing his balls, is the mutual knowledge that i saw em.

Oh, and for those of you who care, an eternity later a doctor arrives, xrays in hand. Now in all this time, the brother in law still hasn’t moved his feet. so when the doctor starts doing the chat, “can you feel this” , “does it hurt there” i’m ready for the worst… Can you lift your left leg” he asks? and like a fucking ballet dancer he lifts it right up in the air… 20 minutes later he’s been off for a CAT scan and come back again all he’s got is suspected whiplash or summat,